I'm on the plane from home to "home". The clean and green Pacific Northwest to beautiful sunny San Diego. Both are in my heart and soul. The only drawback of the blessing of an inseparable deep loving family is the constant goodbyes. My hands shake and my throat swells up and I look safely at the ground. I pull my cheeks up like the Cabbage Patch doll they gave me when I was three years old. I immediately undressed it and attempted to sew my own doll clothes with my mother's sewing kit. Sorry mom. I know I cleverly "put it all away" wrong....
Anyway....we are on the plane . Lately, under the forest canopy I've been learning a great deal. With the soft earth beneath my feet with that good clean and cold dirt in my mouth. I've learned that I am crazy. We are all crazy . And I am my own special brand of crazy. And it's okay. Today as we boarded the plane and I had this epiphany I put my headphones on. I put them on so that the dam that holds all of this crazy doesn't gush, spill and spurt onto my angel from Rio. Hm. That should be a song. My Angel From Rio. I like it.
He is like my Pacific Northwest canopy. All the darkness and polluted impure air, all the doubt and pain and the anxiety hanging heavy on the breeze. Then that hidden unspoken humble power in that god given place....It just soaks it all up and oxidizes it into pure peace and protection. It flows all around me like water to my dry and cracked soul. The only time I stand still and close my eyes to hear "nothing" is there. "There is nothing. Nothing to want. Nothing to need. Nothing to love or hate. Pure beautiful empty silence. And I am free to do whatever I choose with it. I can continue bullying my own heart. I Can choose to never change my behavior. I can sit in bitterness in the complacency from my past. Or I can simply look up to the treetops... and smile.
I can choose to grow and change. To be free. I can be better to him. I can be more like him. I can take off all of the heavy chains in black leather self loathing and reach for joy. I can be naked and vulnerable. He thrives. Yet he simply... exists. I watch him closely. I want to be more like that love I see in his eyes. He seems to see something in me that is ...well,...news to me. Good news. The best news I've ever had.
I use to spend time with him in our early years and smirk was sarcasm. "OK, dumbass just keep on digging. Good luck". He looked at me like he found some loose diamond in the most ghetto forsaken sidewalk. He still does .
"I kinda a wanna die when I get to the point where I can't take care of myself", my 13 year old niece said to me. We happen to stumble upon some very appointed last minute time together. We shared a paddleboard so that we didn't have to rent a second one and we ventured out onto the freezing lake. Only for her would I jump in that damn water in return to my sick northwestern skin.
We shrieked and laughed in spite of our cool selves. And at that exact moment the beautiful sun came burning through the clouds out of nowhere. I put my hat on to protect my pale Irish face. I love being the auntie. You get to lead the way and break all the stupid rules that just don't matter. The ones that were set by some pretentious "save the plants!!!" Educated-Granola hippie. "Hey, what's that?" I asked her- pointing to a small forest of calm marsh and thousands of cattails and reeds shooting up out of the water. "Let's push our way in there". She looked at me with the same mischievous smile. Damn, I love that smile. The one that gets her an Oreo blizzard before I drop her off at home for a healthy dinner .
We paddled into the marsh forest and grab our way into the very hidden center. "Pull"! We giggled our way through the solace that folded all around us. Only the bravest of fluttering dragonflies could find us. All we could see was a patch of clear blue sky through the overhang of green. At the end of our conversation in the marsh I was dumbstruck. "Wow, man. I used to change your diapers and now you're my life coach", I laughed.
Much of what you will read in my newer blogs will be because of her. What unbridled self-confidence and protected dreams. She will conquer anyone who wants to choke out those dreams. I will try to be more like her.
And now back to Him. Oh, him. I live in constant fear of losing him. The only catch to possessing God's greatest gift to me. Fear. "If he's five minutes late to anything I've already begun planning his funeral", my big sister said about her husband. Both of my brother-in-laws are saints.
The airport just reminds me of its own ocean. It is gentle but still it has its waves. Slow and unpredictable waves. You have to float. You are a little land creature that needs air. You have no choice but to ride those waves. I have learned quite a bit from my surfers in San Diego. A world champion just happens to be one of my best friends. I'm so lucky. She taught me to never turn my back on the ocean. She also told me to keep my eye on "the set" coming. You can learn to see the set of waves as they begin to take shape and form and eventually work their way to meet and propel you. I can see them coming now. I will leave my family and friends again. I will leave my forest of peace. I will leave my rock. My protection and fortress. My true love. With a voice like a song. My favorite song. Every time. With rough and beautiful hands that hold mine and tell me his life story without any words. But instead with a feeling. A simple touch. I will be in Barcelona for six weeks. I will be learning new music. New bends and twists and hair flips. I'll go around a great deal of the world again. Maybe I can see more this time than I have before. That is always my hope. Every time.
It was most often just a concrete loading dock. You have to press into yourself to get out of the hotel bed alone. You have to reach out and give the voice of fear and doubt the big fat finger and stand up. Just be upright. Then you remember at the end of the day why the Eiffel Tower and Shibuya in Tokyo in Sydney Opera House and the Louvre and Cathedrals in London and so many more, are worth seeing. The Sistine Chapel, the Vatican and the Colosseum...it's all endless....Why being in the presence of those things is not to be missed! "I can't believe I almost just ordered room service and played Candy Crush all day".
Honey. my heart is breaking. Six months is the blink of an eye in six months is also an eternity sometimes. I've done it. Over and over. With the gentle waves pulling me into my gate in onto my plane. All of which I swore I would never do again.
I will hold him like I never will again. And then I will hold him again. I love "him".