This is the melancholy phase. What feels like a time warp to me. It takes a couple months of being in far off places, for me to have what was a clear image of my life, fade into another one. We are often too busy to be lonely here. But we are often too lonely to be busy. Every job like this has a different schedule. Some have hours and hours of unexpected downtime. Others are break-neck speed and then go home and recover. Right now, the unexpected downtime is a chance to be present. To gather the chaos and let it seep in. I am here. But its hard to remember where I even was before this. I've never been good at that. That is sometimes the fun of drifting.
But it reminds me of a big city. So many people so jammed together and yet all the more lonely because of it. I know I will come back home on a break from this flying circus and have to re-acclimate myself to my home life. The solitude becomes a friend. I take the positives. "the empty bed means I get to spread out and have it all to myself. The empty room means I can have all the quiet I need to work, write, sing, bubble bath", and so on. But when I come home, I have to break up with the solitude-friend, and remember that is not my life. It's also a very slippery slope surrounded by all these people, to find friends. There are work buddies and then there are friends. Unfortunately, the only way I've been able to know which is which, is by being hurt a little here and there. I also have to remember that everyone here is fighting a battle of their own. Most don't share. It often feels like some kind of long term social experiment.
I pull myself out of bed and into the hotel gym. Then out into civilization again. Walking somewhere. Usually I have no idea where. I just wander. Barcelona is a good place to do that. I put on my headphones and sit on a park bench and watch everything. Reaching out isn't easy but I have been. We were created for relationship. To connect to people.
We are preparing for our first show and for me, stress is running pretty high. I want perfection. We'll see. Sorry I've been pretty quiet this week. Will write something better for y'all soon. It's just kinda luuuuuuuulll time. xox