Tears are streaming down my face. Yeah. Nobody died or anything. I will straighten up. But for now, I hit the elevator button and run to my hotel room fluffy white bed and bury my face in the pillow. Alone. I'm alone now. I know this feeling all too well. I swore I would never leave my love and my life for longer than a couple weeks. No more work travel. It damages and distances and just dries up marriages and relationships of every kind. I've seen very close up, the pain it creates. And yet, my husband and I are investing in a new life together. Building something together. We are even looking at homes now. It's all so exciting. "Honey, everything in your lives will change. Do everything you can to make sure that your marriage is the only thing that is unchanging", my mom said. Fight for it.
Make sure the epicenter of your hearts remains strong and intact. I knew this day would come. He can't just live here with me on this gig in Barcelona. He had to get back to students and friends and family. I'm overjoyed that he will finally be making the time to work on his guitar world. I can't ever get him to do it when I'm there because he just wants to take care of me, me me. And then I wanna take care of him, him him. I guess if that's the biggest problem we have right now, that's pretty good. Last night I had an awful nightmare. I woke up gasping and wondered where I was. Then I felt the warm shoulder next to me and everything melted away. I smiled and sank into deep gratitude, peace and calm. Now what? I will remember how to do all the things I used to do out here on the road, on my own. For Pete's sake, I did it all on my own for most of the 15 years I've done this. I'll do it again. I just was getting pretty used to the "babies and houses and gardens", future in life. It's ok. I'm thankful.
"Babe, if you weren't there, you'd be wishing you were, and if you're there, you're wishing you were here", my dad said. Ok. Be Present. On tour with Ringo, I didn't even let myself enjoy it because I was so afraid it was going to end. And it all does. So....WTF, Cait?
We biked all around Barcelona, from the beaches to the Gothic Quarter, to everywhere in between, singing "Barcelona" by Ed Sheeran. I felt a new rush of joy I hadn't quite felt yet with him. Laughing and being giddy and forgetting bills and mortgage and everything else that can bog us down. The food. The history....GAUDI!!! The Sagrada Familia. I wept when I walked into that castle of a church. The story of the crucifixion in breathtaking statues surrounding the outside. So much more. So much. But my energy is dragging. My face is swollen. I wore sunglasses to walk him to the cab but it didn't cover anything.
As years pass I've come to learn that a truly beautiful and adventurous life comes with waves of "hellos" and "goodbyes", that just knock you on your face. You fear them as they draw near. But they take you to new heights. I am living for December 5th when I will have a holiday break. I'll get to hold him again and let all the unconditional and otherworldly love just seep back into my bones. Today, I couldn't help but sing to myself in those last precious minutes together, our wedding song. We danced to "The Luckiest".
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here
And where was I before the day, that I first saw your lovely face
Now I see it every day
And I know
That I am, I am, I am the luckiest
What if I'd been born fifty years before you in a house on the street where you lived
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike, would I know?
And in a wide sea of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize
And I know, that I am, I am, I am the luckiest.
I love you more than I have ever found the words to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his 90's and one day, passed away
in his sleep
And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days then passed away
I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know
That I know
That I am, I am, I am the luckiest